When I was in Primary School, my best friend told me about how her mother was her teacher at her old school. I used to think it would be great to have my own mother as my teacher until she shared her experiences. One of the reasons why she didn’t enjoy being in the same class as her mother was because she was always being told off by her mother. It wasn’t because she misbehaved. It was because her mother didn’t want to appear to be playing favourites with her own child. But instead of being fair, she went overboard and punished her own daughter for the misdeeds of other children.
Similarly, when it came to school tests, my friend’s mother would always mark my friend’s test paper down a few points – not because she deserved to lose the points but so she didn’t appear to be favouring her own child. This happened even if my friend had all the questions right.
How does this story relate to this post? Well, I’m about to get to that part…
Some time back, I posed a question on whether a parent should discipline another parent’s child. At the time, I was quite undecided about the answer. I’ve noticed that when it comes to Gavin, I’m pretty strict with him on sharing and doing the right things. If another child wants to play with a toy, I usually request that Gavin allow the other child to go first. Sometimes I’ve even made Gavin give up the toy in favour of the other child even if Gavin had the toy first.
In some ways, my reaction is similar to my friend’s mother’s reaction to my friend. Not wanting to reprimand another parent’s child for snatching a toy away from my son, I insist that Gavin should allow that child to have the toy first. If Gavin had snatched the toy away from another child, I would have immediately insisted that he return the toy to the other child.
In such matters, I have been unfair to Gavin. When Gavin does wrong, he gets told off. When another child does wrong, that child gets let off. Where, then, is the consistency of the message to Gavin? I have learned that I need to apply more balance and fairness when Gavin is interacting with other children. Although the instinct is to favour the other child, regardless of whether that child is right or wrong, I’ve realised that by doing so, I am sending mixed messages to my own child.
Chin Li says
Hi Shen Li, I do know what you mean. Its double standards really, but all “good” parents seem to subscribe to it. The example of the teacher and her daughter in class seems to me like the ultimate extreme.
However, I would do the same though. Our guy is just beginning to learn how to share and half the time, he thinks snatching a toy from another child is “playing together”. We have our work laid out before us, quite obviously.
Notwithstanding your feelings about fairness, I am of the opinion that the additional strictness towards one’s own should not be seen as being unfair. Perhaps there are more important lessons we have to teach our children over and above fairness, right/wrong. And perhaps, by teaching them how to react in specific situations, (eg giving up a toy to another fretful kid) will teach them generosity, maturity amongst other values (and that the toy is not so important afterall!)
I know it is rich coming from me (given that our little fellow is currently taking on kids twice his size), but I am still hoping that someday I will be able to teach him how to make decisions that reflect compassion and kindness, above what is right and wrong. If I don’t succeed, I may have to ask you to help me discipline him!!
Shen-Li says
Yes, that is an interesting view-point and a very pertinent one, which I think will be good to enforce when a child is older and can better appreciate the need to be gracious. However, I think when a child is too young and still learning the rules for himself – as is the case – I think we need to be consistent with our messages.
The example that happened which made me start thinking about this was something that happened while we were at a restaurant. As usual, I brought out Gavin’s books and pens to keep him occupied. His friend wanted to draw, too, so I gave her another of Gavin’s books and pens. They were working well side by side and being the older child, she would “help” Gavin with his drawings when he wasn’t able to do it himself. But when Gavin tried to draw on her book, she got annoyed and told him he wasn’t allowed to.
I wanted to tell Gavin to leave her book alone but it seemed ironic because Gavin knows the book she was drawing on was actually his book which he is already sharing. Had the roles been reversed, I would have told Gavin to share his book and let his friend draw on it, too.
I’m sure this is just one of those case by case situations where parents just have to decide on the spot how they are going to react.
Though Gavin has been able to display graciousness from time to time, he is still under three and probably a bit young for me to expect him to exhibit that behaviour all the time. I’m sure in time to come, I will definitely want him to learn to be more gracious, in which case I will have to modify how I react.
Mephala says
I used to do it too, till Jade was born, then I got tired. :p So now fair is fair and I usually let the kids work it out themselves if we’re all familiar. And they do.
Chin Li says
That is interesting – ie I would not know what to do. I would probably let them work it out. But would you let Gavin do the same, if he chooses to be possessive with his book?
I can’t imagine him not being gracious. I always thought its because you are gracious too, and perhaps that he picked it up from you.
Shen-Li says
Eventually, I think that is the whole aim – to let the kids work it out between themselves, but I think initially, a parent needs to help to provide guidance for appropriate behaviour. Personally, I would expect Gavin to share his book.
I think a good rule of thumb to follow – forget where I heard this or read it – is that if it is your child’s special toy and you know he will find it difficult to share, don’t bring it out when other children are around. You should also let your child know that it is okay not to share certain things but he shouldn’t take it out at a time when other children are around and will also want to play with it. Anything else that is brought out when guests are around must be shared.
So far, I find Gavin is pretty good when it comes to sharing. There have been a times when I have gotten myself into trouble trying to get toys back from other children who won’t return them. One thing I have noticed, though, is that as Gavin grows older, he also appears to be less willing to share things. I don’t know if this is an age thing or whether it is again related to his experiences at school… Regardless, I guess it is something I will have to work on with him.