Nurture for the Future

Behaviour Modification: Helping Your Child Shift from Sad to Happy

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Yesterday, Aristotle had a birthday party to attend. Since he was sick for two of the previous birthdays he was invited to from his friends at school, I thought he would be delighted that he could finally go to one. To top it off, it was held in Yu Kids Island and he’s always pestering to go to a jungle gym. So it was much to my surprise that all he wanted to do when we got there was sulk in a corner. He was miserable and teary and he didn’t want to be part of the party. He kept insisting he wanted to go home and that he couldn’t wait for the party to be over so he could leave.

Both Daddy and I took turns trying to talk him around – without much success. I was about to leave him be and ignore him when I remembered that behaviour modification trick I read about in Psychology Today. So I brought him to a quiet corner and had a talk to him about attitudes. I told him he could choose to be happy or he could choose to be sad. It was a choice and it was his to make. He could either focus on the fact that he didn’t like being at the birthday party and be miserable, or he could focus on the fact that he had the opportunity to play at a jungle gym (which he loves) and be happy.

Then I sent him back to the playground and said I needed him to do one thing for me – play on the playground and pretend to enjoy himself so I could take some photos of him on my phone. I told him he had to smile or he would ruin my pictures. I made him bounce up and down on the bubble trampoline and encouraged him to jump higher and higher. By the time I was done with our little “photoshoot”, he was smiling in spite of himself and I could see he was coming around.

To save his pride, he told me, “I’m not enjoying myself, I’m just pretending to.” Although it was clearly evident that this was no show, I agreed and told him that was all I expected of him. And the rest of the party went really well – well mostly.

So now I have my very own example of how changing your body’s physiology (or rather your child’s) can really make a difference to the way he feels. It really works and it works really well. I’ll have to remember this one the next time we run into a similar situation again.

In a nutshell:

  1. Open your child to the idea that he controls how he feels and he can decide to be happy or sad.
  2. Get him involved in an activity that will alter his physiology in a positive way (e.g. jumping on the trampoline in this case).
  3. Get him to smile (or pretend to smile). It doesn’t matter if he insists he will still be sad. Let him think that. It will work regardless of what he thinks.
  4. Let him “save face” and agree if he tells you he’s still really sad but only pretending to have fun. You’re the parent, you’ll be able to see whether that is true or not.

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Formidable Fours – Here We Go Again

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After a period of relatively benign behaviour since the last storm blew in, we seem to have hit another rough patch again and I know exactly when it started – last week when Gavin started at his new school after 8 weeks of holiday. He has been uncooperative, stubborn, back-talking, unreasonable, and down-right rude to everyone at home. But just as I was begining to lament over my failure as a mother, Gavin’s teacher gives me positive feedback on how well Gavin has been doing at school. He gets along well with the teachers, he has made friends, he is compassionate and helpful to other students, and he appears to be enjoying school.

So what’s with the split personality?

Often you hear things like “it’s just a phase they grow through” and “he’ll grow out of it”. Sure, it might be a phase that we have to survive, and in the meantime I feel like drop-kicking him into the next country, but what if it isn’t just a phase? Surely, like all other things in life, it is a learning exercise for all of us – parents to learn how to deal with their children and teach them what is appropriate and what isn’t, and children to learn how to conform to the rules of society and learn what sort of behaviours are appropriate and what aren’t.

For good measure, I took a look at what “normal” 4 year old behaviour is supposed to be like (just to reassure myself that this behaviour isn’t the result of me spoiling him rotten):

The “Out of Bounds” 4 is exuberant and rebellious.

  • the child talks well and thinks the child is a big shot. – Oh yes.
  • Fours tell outrageous lies and are very stubborn. – Haven’t really heard many outrageous lies but he is certainly very stubborn.
  • They talk all the time and mix reality and fantasy. – Definitely can’t stop talking but I’d say he’s got a good grip on reality and fantasy because he knows that the animals in his TV programs can’t really talk and do the things that they do.
  • They ask “why” in order to argue. – Yup.
  • They are bossy and defiant, “I won’t”. – Yup.
  • They refuse to nap but will fall asleep at 5:30 and wake up ready to stay up all night. – He refuses to nap but he usually makes it all the way to bedtime after dinner so I don’t really sweat this one.
  • They think up all sorts of ways to avoid getting in bed. – Oh yes!
  • At night, they are likely to have bad dreams. – Sometimes.
  • They can dress and undress themselves with little assistance. – Most of the time but sometimes he wants help because his baby brother gets help.
  • They eat too fast or not at all. – Hmmm… not really. He’s been a lot better with eating but never too fast, if anything, it’s too slow.
  • They can now wash hands and face and brush teeth without assistance if they have been trained. – Yup.
  • They run ahead of adults and refuse to hold hands. – Very dangerous habit given the environment we live in.
  • Fours play feelies with other children and need honest information about bodies and babies.
  • A fussy four needs exercise and then a rest.
  • When excited, the child will need to urinate.
  • When stressed, the child’s stomach will hurt.

Based on this criteria, he’s a regular four year old so this behaviour is to be expected. Additionally, knowing he can behave well at school is also reassuring because I know he is generally a good kid. Nevertheless, good kids also need boundaries and discipline. I thought this was great advice for four year olds:

Discipline: Don’t argue with a four.

  • Talk less than the child does. – Not hard to do since he talks non-stop.
  • Don’t ask a four if the child did something. You will teach the child to lie. – Thought this was great advice.
  • Teach the child the consequences for misbehavior; then when the child misbehaves, apply the consequences.
  • Be very consistent with a four and the child will learn to control the child’s own behavior.
  • Four seems big but the child is still a baby when stressed or tired.
  • Give the child lots of hugs and kisses even if you have to catch the child to do it.

Here are more useful bits of information:

I have said before that I don’t believe in corporal punishment – I still don’t – but another thing I don’t believe in is yelling at a child. Although I don’t believe in it, that doesn’t mean I have never yelled at my children because I have – I’m human and I have a short fuse. Since I haven’t always been able to control my temper, I make it a point to apologise for it when I do. I tell Gavin that what he did is still wrong, but my yelling at him was also wrong. Besides, I find that when I yell, Gavin gets more defiant and why wouldn’t he? Does anyone feel more inclined to listen to a person who shouts at them or someone who speaks to them nicely? Just because he is a child doesn’t mean he has to endure something we would never expect another adult to. I am a great believer that if you want to teach your child respect, you have to show him respect. I find that when I apologise to Gavin for yelling at him, he is more willing to make up for his misdemeanour.

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Behaviour Modification: How to Alter Your Child’s Attitude Without His Awareness

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One of the things about Aristotle that has been bothering me lately is his negative attitude towards a lot of things. Some time back I wrote about the “helpless child syndrome“, lamenting over the fact that Aristotle appears “incapable” of doing things whenever I am around. Although we’ve managed to address that issue somewhat, I’ve noticed that his general outlook towards life is very negative.

Here’s a typical scenario with Aristotle:

Me: We’re eating at “insert name of restaurant”
Aristotle: I don’t like it.
Me: How do you know you don’t like it? You have never eaten there.
Aristotle: I know I won’t like it.

It was a similar response when I asked him to try Monster Tennis. He kept insisting that he wouldn’t enjoy himself. After a lot of cajoling, he finally went and discovered he really liked it.

I realise that certain characteristics are inherent in an individual. According to studies cited in Brain Rules for Baby, temperament is something that you cannot change – a child who is born anxious will always remain anxious. Yet, after reading The Creativity Post – You Become What You Pretend to Be – I can’t help but wonder if it is such a loss cause after all. If Salvador Dali could “pretend” to be an extrovert until he really appeared to be one, then surely some inherent characteristics can be changed.

Perhaps the case of Salvador Dali is not a good example because he made a conscious effort to change. What about an individual who has no inclination to do anything about his attitude? Well, it appears you don’t have to “believe” to change. In fact, you don’t even have to be aware of it to change. Simply altering your facial expression without conscious thought about the emotion you are feeling will suffice because the change in your posture affects your physiology. Here’s a case in point from Psychology Today:

The CIA researchers in a further experiment had one group of subjects listen to recordings of top comedians and look at a series of cartoons while holding a pen pressed between their lipsBan action that makes it impossible to smile. Another group held a pen between their teeth which had the opposite effect and made them smile.

The people with the pen between their teeth rated the comedians and cartoons much funnier than the other group. What’s more, neither group of subjects knew they were making expressions of emotion. Amazingly, an expression you do not even know you have can create an emotion you did not choose to feel. Emotion doesn’t just go from the inside out. It goes from the outside in.

That gives me hope. If I simply told Aristotle to smile even though he didn’t feel like it, he would give me 101 reasons why he couldn’t smile. But if I made him do something that resulted in a smile without him being aware of it… ah, now that could work.

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Child Development: The Formidable Fours

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Why is it that in parenting books they talk about the “terrible twos” and “terrible threes” but there’s nothing about the “terrible fours”? Is it some sort of ploy to fool us parents into thinking we just have to get through the first few years and then we’re home free? Or perhaps they thought we would be so used to the cyclical tantrums, whining and crying by now that there was no need to write about it?

Gavin has been whiny and teary a lot lately and behaving even more like a baby than when we first brought Gareth home from the hospital. We always expected regression while he learned to come to grips with having to share the lime light with a sibling but then he took it all in stride and we mistakenly thought we were home free only to be blown out of the water when he started falling apart a year later. And with the criticisms abound about how I’m losing my grip on my son’s behaviour (because I’m too soft on him – that old argument again!!!), I have to admit I’m seriously having doubts about what I’m doing here.

The problem with parenting is that it is usually a rather solitary experience. The only examples you have of what children are really like are your other children (if you happen to have more than one). You may witness other parents in a restaurant or a supermarket having to deal with a tantrummy kid, but they are usually strangers who get labelled as being “bad” parents.

But here’s the thing – children always look better than they are when they are in public. They love to save the worst for Mum (and Dad). Gavin was always receiving rave reviews from strangers on how well behaved he was and Daddy and I would always be thinking, “You haven’t seen him at home!” A friend of mine warned the teachers that her son was a real handful before he started school only to receive glowing reports from the teachers about what an angel he was in class. They say that the reason children behave their worst with their parents is because they know that their parents will always be there for them no matter what. The irony is that such behaviour is a tribute to the strength of your relationship – because your child feels secure with you, he is comfortable letting loose all his negative emotions on you.

Anyway, I’d heard some rumours about the “fabulous fours” some time back and thought that things were only going to get better only to find that they seem to be getting worse. So I thought I’d check in on all my Mummy friends and start Googling the parentsphere again to find out what the weather was really like in 4-year-old territory. “Fabulous fours”? Hmpft! I couldn’t find anything of the sort. But here is a tiny portion of what I did find…

If you want more stories, just Google “Terrible Fours” and you’ll find them. Some parents felt that the Terrible Fours are even worse than the Terrible Twos and Threes so perhaps they should be labeled the Formidable Fours? There was some talk about things levelling out when they hit 5 – any parents with older kids care to comment on that?

I was going to do an introspective analysis of Gavin’s behaviour and how I think I should deal with the Formidable Fours after all the trial and error I’ve been going through but I think I’m too tired to think tonight. More tomorrow… Meanwhile, feel free to share your pearls of wisdom in the comments below.

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Valuing Your Child's Individuality

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I know I have often written about the importance of nurture to the point that one might be forgiven for thinking that nature plays only a small role in the way our children develop. If you’ve read John Medina’s book “Brain Rules for Baby”, you will know that it’s actually 50% nature and 50% nurture. So although we do have considerable control over how our children turn out, there is at least 50% that is beyond our control.

I have found that the benefit of having a second child is that he reminds you about that 50% you can’t control. Without my second son, I would probably still be living in a deluded world believing that I played a bigger role than I really did in shaping Gavin into the person that he is today. No doubt, I influenced him to a degree, but there is a lot in there that is all him and I’m really proud of that.

In an earlier post, I wrote about the differences between both my sons and speculated about the reasons for it. I find that the older my second son gets, the more I realise that he isn’t just different from his brother, he’s the polar opposite of his older brother.

  • Gavin developed his verbal skills quickly, Gareth was always more physically inclined.
  • Gavin has always been very sensitive over everything, Gareth bulldozes his way through things without even realising they are there.
  • Gavin was always very cautious, Gareth is fearless and adventurous.
  • Gavin was always very shy around new faces, Gareth is gregarious.
  • Gavin screams because he doesn’t want to eat, Gareth screams because we don’t feed him fast enough.
  • Gavin’s least favourite person is his grandfather, Gareth’s most favourite person in the world is his grandfather.
  • Gavin hated putting things into his mouth, Gareth can’t keep anything out of his mouth.
  • Gavin could sit still, Gareth struggles to sit still.
  • As a baby, when Gavin started fussing, his fussing would continue to escalate until he puked all over himself. That was one of the reasons why I was always highly strung on days when I took Gavin out on my own.  When I was pregnant with Gareth, I remembered those days and suddenly felt extremely apprehensive.  Luckily, Gareth has proven to be a lot easier to console.

Another example to illustrate their extreme differences I have discovered at dinner is that with Gavin, in order to get him to eat fish, I would have to hide the fish in his rice (not that it was very successful because Gavin’s just too sensitive); with Gareth, I have to hide his rice behind the fish in order to get him to eat it.

They have nothing in common. Even their appearances are opposite. Gavin has hubby’s hair but he looks more like me. Gareth has my hair but looks more like hubby. Yet for all their differences, they both have their strengths and I am grateful that they were born in the order that they were born. Gavin, for all his extreme fussiness as a baby, has demonstrated the qualities of being a terrific older brother – which appears to be in alignment with what Medina wrote in Brain Rules for Baby: sensitive babies tend to be naturally more empathic and this is probably because they are so sensitive to their environments. Gareth, on the other hand, despite his destructive tendencies (at 1 year he has broken more things than Gavin has to date), takes everything into stride much more easily which helps me as a mother trying to juggle a child and a baby.

It has been said that parents will always have favourites – a child that they find themselves better able to relate to – no matter how unbiassed they might desire to be. I can honestly say at this point that I have no favourite, although I cannot vouch that this will be so when the boys are older. I do believe it is important to look for the qualities in both children and to focus on them so that we remember what is special about each child no matter how annoying their other traits may be (and boy can they get annoying!).

As for sibling differences, there is an article highlighting three theories to explain the differences between siblings:

  • Divergence: which is to minimise direct competition between siblings.
  • Non-shared Environment: which talks about the differences in environment between siblings although it appears they are growing up in the same environment – this is especially valid for siblings who are quite a number of years apart.
  • Exaggeration: which talks about a family’s need to make comparisons and inevitably exaggerate differences even if they are minor. For example, Suzie and Stacey may both be extroverts but because Stacey is less outgoing than Suzie, she is referred to as the introvert in the family.

Personally, I don’t think any of these theories explains the differences between my two boys, but I do feel that their individual differences gives me more unique reasons to delight in each of them.

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What Children Really Want and Why it Benefits You to Give it to Them

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One of the most hair-raising things about being a parent would probably have to be  the part about getting your children to do what you want.  I posted a FB status recently and other mothers with young children chimed in their agreement.  It was:

The paradox of being a child: he won’t get into the shower, but once he’s in, he won’t get out. He refuses to follow you to the supermarket, but once he’s out, he won’t go home. He fights sleep with a vengeance, but once he’s in la la land, he won’t wake up…

So what’s the magic involved behind getting a child to do what you want (without the screams, tears and frustration)?  Well, I’m still working out the finer details, but here are some great tips I’ve been reading about…

Strollerderby talks about giving positive feedback which in those frazzled, high-stress moments of parenting can be incredibly hard to remember to do.  However, it is what works best.  I have found that to be the case with Gavin as well.  I’d like to extrapolate with a further example…

There are a lot of things that children do which we don’t like – climbing onto the dining table, taking off their seat belts in the car and jumping around, playing too roughly with their baby siblings, and I could go on and on.  Whenever we see these “misbehaviours”, we’ll tell them to stop it.  Yet, not matter how many times you tell them, they still seem to keep doing it time and time again.

“How many times have I told you NOT to…”

Does this phrase sound familiar?  I’ll bet.  It is easy to take it as an act of defiance whenever our children commit the same misbehaviours they were told off for the day before.  While this might be the case for an older child, we have to remember that young children are forgetful.  They often get so caught up in their activities that they forget “temporarily” the things they aren’t supposed to do.  They need constant reminders.

These days, I have noticed Gavin immediately correcting his behaviour after I’ve pointed out to him that he’s just done something he isn’t supposed to.  He will say, “Okay, Mummy.  I’m listening to you.”  And he will stop whatever it was that he was doing which brought about the reprimand.

I can then choose to praise him for being cooperative and immediately correcting his behaviour, or I can choose to nag him about doing something even though I’ve been telling him for the umpteenth time not to do it.  As much as I would like to do the latter, I’ve been trying to control the urge and focus on the fact that he listened.  Perhaps that might sound as if I’m letting him off easy, but I look at it this way:

If I choose to nag him bout doing something even though I’ve told him many times before not to do it, he will think, “Gosh, I just listened to Mummy and still she nags me.  Next time I won’t bother to listen at all.”

If I praise him for stopping the “misbehaviour”, he will feel more inclined to correct any misbehaviours I point out in future and to do correct them immediately.

These days, I find Gavin fishing for praise.  He loves to be praised and will ask for it whenever he feels he is doing something good.  I find the more positively I praise him, the more eager he is to please.

Psychology Today gives an excellent example about giving good feedback:

The Clapping Contest: An Exercise for the Imagination

Imagine you are taking part in a clapping contest.  I know it’s an odd thing to do, but just imagine it.  Three judges are chosen to rate the quality of clapping on a 1-5 scale, with 5 being the very best score and 1 being the worst.  You are competing in this contest and you really want to do well.  You have one practice trial where you get feedback and then you do it for real.

Scenario One: You enter the room and stand in front of the judges, ready for your practice trial.  You clap wildly – frantically and enthusiastically for the required 30 seconds.  Then you stop.  The judges confer.  Judge 1 gives you a 3.  Judge 2 gives you a 2.  Judge 3 gives you a 3.  You leave the room with 3 minutes to prepare for your performance.

Scenario Two: You enter the room and stand in front of the judges.  You clap wildly for 30 seconds.  Then you stop.  The judges confer.  “I don’t really like the fact that you started your applause at such a quick pace.  There was no texture to your performance”, stated the first judge.  “And the beats were much too close together”, said the second.  Judge 3 just shook her head.  “Too quiet.  Much too quiet.”  You earn two 3s and a 2.  You leave the room to prepare.

Scenario Three: You enter the room and clap wildly for 30 seconds.  The judges confer.  “What I think really makes an excellent performance”, explained the first judge, “is a performance that builds.  I like it to began slowly and then get louder and louder, almost like a crashing wave.  What you did was great for the end part, but it would have much more impact if you created some contrast between the beginning and the end.”  The second judge nodded.  “You can also increase the crescendo by starting with slower, quieter clapping, but then getting faster and louder towards the real triumphant ending. Your clapping at the end was quite good”  “You’re looking for a sharper sounds as well”, said the third judge.  “You keep clapping with the middle of your hands, but you really want that sharp sound to give it some definition.  I absolutely hate that hollow palm on palm sound”.  You earn two 3s and a 2 and go to prepare for your final performance.

Think: In which scenario do you think your final performance will really shine?

In Scenario 1, you’ve gotten feedback – your marks – but you have no idea what they’re based on.  You know you need to change something.  But what?  They’ve given you no clue, so you’re equally likely to change for the worse as change for the better.

In Scenario 2, you’ve been told what not to do, but you don’t know what your goal is.  So you can avoid the behavior you know they didn’t like (being quiet, starting too loudly and not having enough texture, and clapping too fast).  But what are they looking for?  There are many, many ways of clapping that avoid those things but still aren’t right.  Note too, that in my example, I had the judges give negative feedback. But it works the same way if they only praised you. If they tell you what you did right, but gave you mediocre marks, you know you need to change.  But you don’t know what or how.

Scenario 3 is the most useful.  They tell you what your goal is – eliminating a whole range of possible behaviors.  They tell you which aspects of your behavior will help you towards optimal performance.  They tell you what they don’t like as well.  And they even give you some ideas for behaviors or techniques you may not have thought about.

Give the feedback you’d need to do your best.

After reading that, I’ve come to realise that I’m terrible at giving “good” feedback.  I’ve given Gavin positive feedback and I’ve given him negative feedback, but I am rarely very specific with my feedback.  The only times when I’ve been specific with my expectations have been the times when I’m preparing him for events.  For instance, when I know I’ve got to take him to a place he won’t enjoy, I usually pre-empt him and tell him exactly what I expect from him: “We are going to [insert name]’s house.  When you get there, I expect you to be polite.  You are to greet everyone you see…” etc.

Maybe it’s time to get specific about what behaviour I’d like to see from him.  So the next time we have to get into the shower, perhaps I should try something like: “I like it when you get into the shower without making a fuss.  It makes me proud when you cooperate and get dressed quickly by yourself.” Let’s see how that goes…

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Raising Successful Children

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