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Bonding with Baby Begins in the Womb

After the experience with the Braxton Hick’s contractions, I noticed Gareth being rather quiet at night when he is normally most active. It got me a little worried and I stayed up waiting to feel his movements. After putting Gavin down to sleep, I played a little Mozart for Gareth because the music always seemed to make him dance. It took a while, but Gareth eventually started moving again I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

The whole experience started me thinking about my reaction to the news when I discovered Gareth was a boy and not the girl I so badly wanted. I’ve realised that my reaction every time someone asks me if I know whether I’m having a boy or a girl has been rather negative. That doesn’t seem to be the right way to start off this relationship with my new baby. In fact, I think it’s been a rather negative start to our relationship so I’ve resolved to change my attitude.

One of the reasons why I’ve always felt it was important to discover the sex of the baby before birth is this reason – if a parent is so hung up on having a baby of a particular sex, the disappointment upon discovery that the baby is the opposite sex might impact his or her acceptance of the child at birth. Obviously you would have to accept it, but I think it is better to have a few months to prepare yourself than to suddenly have to adapt on the spot.

Given a few months to adjust, you would definitely come around and even be excited about the baby. If you were really hankering for a baby of a particular sex, regardless of whether you want to admit it or not, it would still affect the way you would behave towards that baby. As a parent, in time, you would surely come to accept and love the baby that you have, but you would have lost out on those initial precious days while you were adjusting.

So though I am disappointed that I won’t be having a girl – I can’t escape that fact – I do still love Gareth very much. My fear that something might be wrong when he stopped moving recently was indication enough that Gareth is just as important to me as if he were a girl. Instead of thinking about how much I wished I was having a girl, I have decided to start focusing on how happy I am that I am going to have Gareth.

I keep talking about how important it is to bond with your baby and what better time can there be to start than when your baby is in the womb?

Interdependence in the Phases of Childhood

by Shen-Li Lee Leave a Comment

A common criticism I have often received as a parent is that Gavin is too “clingy” to me. I often get annoyed by such comments because I wonder “what is too clingy”?

To a certain extent, shouldn’t a child be clingy?

If you examine human evolution and understand the basic psychology of a child’s development, it makes sense for a child to seek the comfort of a parent and be a little “clingy”. Children are born with a strong survival instinct. That instinct dictates that they seek out their parents when they feel threatened or scared because their parents will protect them. Children aren’t born with a working knowledge of the ways of the world. There are lot of things they don’t know or understand and it frightens them.

So if my child runs to me or occasionally behaves a little “clingy”, I think it’s a good sign that he trusts me to be there to protect him. It is also a good indication of the strength of the bond that we have. Personally, I would rather he run to me when he feels troubled than to run to someone else because that would suggest to me that I have not fulfilled his needs as a parent.

I feel that part of the problem about “clinginess” stems from the fact that there are children who are very “independent”. I would put it down to personality – just as there are social butterfly adults and shy adults. Timid adults just hide their shyness better than an introverted child. It is unfair to label a child as “clingy” just because he is “wired” differently from another child.

Probably my biggest gripe about being criticised about my son being too clingy is that these comments began from as early as when Gavin was just one year old. If Gavin would cling to me and refuse to go to someone he doesn’t really know (even if that person happens to be a relative), the comment would be, “My! He’s still so clingy!” Even now, at two and a half, when he still has his “I only want Mummy” moments, it spurs a lot of negativity – like I have somehow made him that way through poor parenting.

Personally, I don’t perceive anything wrong with his behaviour. Nor do I think he is an insecure child because of it. I believe, as Sears does, that children go through phases of dependence and independence. There will be days when all a toddler wants is to do “everything myself”. Then there will be days when all he wants is for Mummy to help him. Rather than labeling it “dependence” or “independence”, Sears calls it “interdependence”.

We’ve all heard the phrase, “no man is an island”. I like to think that “interdependence” was what that phrase was referring to. The fact that Gavin feels comfortable coming to me during his phases of dependence reassures me that I have been doing something right as a parent.

Adjusting to School – Mum's Perspective

by Shen-Li Lee Leave a Comment

One of the hardest part about sending Gavin to school was adjusting to the schedule and rearranging his sleep cycle. The other part is the fact that he now spends a considerable portion of time away from me where I don’t know what is happening except for what I hear from the teachers and a sometimes garbled version of events from Gavin.

Sometime back I wrote an article about the importance of being the primary caregiver to a child if you want to bond with him. The main benefit of being the primary caregiver lies in the fact that you can learn so much more about your child just by spending most of the time with him. It’s like working on a jigsaw puzzle and being able to see the whole picture as opposed to working on a part of the jigsaw puzzle without any idea what the whole picture looks like.

By being the one who always did everything for him, I learned to have a feel for what he likes and doesn’t like even without him telling me. I understand the little intricacies of his behaviour that would otherwise be meaningless to me.

For instance, I know that if I want him to drink his Pediasure, I have to make it one teaspoon of Milo, three scoops of Pediasure and mix it with half water and half Dutch Lady full cream milk up to 300ml. Any deviation from this mix and there’s no guarantee he will drink it. I know that he will eat chicken Wan Tan Mee but not mince beef Wan Tan Mee.

I know that anything made with a base of chicken stock is usually favoured by Gavin and that “the noodles with fork and the spoon” means Maggi mee cup noodles. “Purple” refers to the grape flavoured Vitagen but it can also mean other things that are coloured purple. “Strawberry” can be strawberry jam on bread or it can be strawberry yoghurt or strawberry ice cream. I knew that “Ack” meant “Ah Kong” and “Ahm” was “Ah Mah” back in the days when he was into abbreviating everything.

All these little idiosyncrasies are things I learned because I was the person that spent the most time with Gavin.

Since Gavin started going to school, it feels as if I can only see part of the picture. Suddenly, there are changes in my son that I can’t understand. They catch me off-guard because I’m suddenly confounded by what it all means. I need to listen more carefully to the things that Gavin says and try to decipher the meaning as he tumbles over his words in his excitement to tell me what happened.

Recently, Gavin got hit at school. When I picked him up from school, he had a red mark on his eyebrow. Before I could say anything, he launched into an enthusiastic explanation of what happened at school. As far as I could decipher, his cousin hit him and he had to put ice on his head and lie down. As to why she hit him, he said it was because he had “disturbed” her.

My initial thought was to assume it had all been some accident and his cousin had hit him by mistake. These things are common when children play. In their excitement, they are often unaware of where their limbs are flailing. I found out the next day after asking one of the adults at school what really happened.

Gavin adores his cousin and often tries to hug her. Being the older and bigger child who is unaware of his strength, he has a tendency to bowl her over. She grew tired of always falling over when Gavin tried to express affection and, not having the words to tell him she didn’t like it, she hit him.

I have realised how important it is to get the story right so that I can tell Gavin the right things. Had I assumed it had been an accident, I would have told him that his cousin hadn’t meant to hit him and that it was all just an accident. That would have done nothing to correct his behaviour around her. Knowing what really happened, helped me explain to him why she hit him and how he should behave around her in future to avoid future conflict.

One thing that I did notice after the incident at school was that Gavin “went off” school for a bit. After his terrific adjustment back to school post-holidays, he began his protests about going to school again.

It is inevitable that a child will eventually have to go to school and there will be a lot of things will happen that we, as parents, won’t know about. Some of your child’s experiences at school will be good and some will be bad. I believe that having developed a strong bond with your child from birth helps you to manage such difficult situations and help your child cope with these experiences.

When your child trusts you, he will talk to you about the things that upsets him rather than bottling it up or speaking to the “wrong” people about it. That is exactly the kind of relationship I am working to build with my son. I might not always be able to detect that there is a problem but if he trusts me enough, he will come to me with his problems before I have to ask him about it.

Bonding with Baby – Being the Primary Caregiver

by Shen-Li Lee 3 Comments

If you’re a first time parent who has never really been comfortable with kids, it can be tempting to offer your baby up to someone else who is “more experienced”. Watching a nanny, your mother or your MIL handle the baby with acrobatic skill will surely put a damper on your confidence as a parent and make you wonder whether your baby might be better of in the care of someone else.

It is unfortunate that one of the biggest misconceptions about parenting knowledge is the belief that it is something that comes naturally. Perhaps it does for some parents, but it certainly didn’t for me.

I believe that parents who feel they know nothing about being a parent probably have a higher chance of becoming a better parent than those who think they know everything. If you think you know nothing, there is the possibility that you might learn something. If you think you know everything – there is no opportunity to learn. And lets face it – even the experts don’t know everything.

Being a parent is like everything else in life – a learning experience. And with all learning experiences, if you want to learn more quickly, the best way to do it is to spend more time at it. So if you want to learn how to be a parent in the quickest time possible, the best thing you can do is be the primary caregiver to your baby. If you can’t be the primary caregiver, then spend as much time as is humanly possible with your baby. Whatever your baby needs, tend to it yourself rather than letting someone else handle it.

When Gavin was born – aside from the first month when I had the confinement lady around – I did everything for him. I bathed him, I changed his diapers, I carried him, I nursed him, and I put him to bed. During that time, when I did all those things, I was learning something else besides how to do all those practical duties of a parent – I was learning about my son. Through learning about him, I was bonding with him.

A baby is born with the instinct for survival. The first thing he (sorry – we’re back to “he” now that I’ve discovered my second baby is also a boy…) looks for is comfort and security. Comfort and security comes from stability and stability is the person who is always there – the primary caregiver. If you aren’t the primary caregiver, it doesn’t mean you can’t bond with your baby, it just means it will require a lot more effort on your part.

There is a lot of negative talk about how children require sacrifices of their parents. For instance, parents have to sacrifice their free time for their children, they have to sacrifice their career options for their children, etc. I find this kind of thinking rather negative. Children don’t require sacrifices, they require investments – and the most important investment you can offer your child is your time.

With babies and young children, we’re talking quantity more so than quality. The more time you can invest in your child, the better. Why not quality? Well, let’s try to define quality time to a young child or a baby. Is it a weekend of toys and ice cream at a park that will easily be forgotten during the week? I think the more important part is being there for your child when he has a nightmare in the middle of the night, when he hurts himself during the day, or when the sound of thunder frightens him. If you aren’t around much, you tend to miss a lot of these moments.

I’ve also heard concerns from parents about babies turning into “clingy” children if you allow them to become too attached. Firstly, it is normal for a young child to be attached and “clingy” – we’re going back to survival instincts. Ontogeny recapitulates evolution and a young child has a long way to go before he reaches our understanding of the modern world. He doesn’t know that if he sleeps alone in a room that he is safe from predators because his instincts tell him to stay close to his primary caregivers who will protect him from harm.

By devoting yourself to your child’s first few years, you are creating a strong foundation upon which to build your future relationship. I believe it is the strength of this foundation that helps us raise our children to become happy, confident and successful.

Bonding with Baby – How Baby Wearing Helps

by Shen-Li Lee 1 Comment

Baby wearing is the practice of carrying baby close to you using a sling or carrier. It is generally associated with the attachment parenting philosophy, although baby wearing in Asian countries is a common practice.

Personally, I find baby wearing one of the most common sense practices of parenting because it allows a mother or carer to keep baby close while freeing the hands to do other things. While there is the option of using a pram, prams are terribly cumbersome especially in a country that isn’t wheelchair friendly. Imagine having to lift your pram and baby over a three foot barrier to access a shopping mall (this is the case in Ikano). Even if you don’t have barriers like that to worry about, I would think pushing the pram and the shopping cart in the supermarket at the same time is also rather challenging.

I didn’t know much about baby wearing when I first bought our Bjorn Baby Carrier. When you’re a first time parent, you generally buy whatever is on those handy little shopping lists they provide for you in the baby section of most department stores. And when your friends recommend products, you buy them as well. You won’t really know until after the baby is born how useful any of these things are, but then, you don’t really have the luxury to wait until after the baby is born to buy them because you’ll be too busy adjusting to the new baby to shop around.

Well, one thing I discovered was that our Bjorn Baby Carrier was one of our best investments ever. During our son’s first year, he hardly used his pram at all. He would protest very strongly whenever we tried to put him into it. Since he was a baby, I didn’t want him to cry-it-out in his pram, so I carried him in the baby carrier.

When he was older, he would adopt the “plank position” when we tried to put him into the pram and he would immediately slide out of it. Eventually, we stopped trying to take the pram out. It wasn’t until Gavin turned two that he started to enjoy sitting in his pram – so the pram wasn’t completely redundant after all.

In a way, I was glad that he resisted being put into the pram especially after learning about the importance of touch to a baby’s development. Baby wearing meant that Gavin received a lot more “touch” time.

How Does Baby Wearing Help to Build a Bond?

I think it is quite self-explanatory that the increased “touch” time between mother and baby is beneficial to the relationship. And when a baby is carried close to mother, there tends to be more communication between mother and baby. The baby can listen to mother singing or talking which is not only beneficial for building a bond but for learning.

I don’t know about you, but when Gavin sits in a pram in the shopping mall, unless I lean close to him, I can hardly hear what he’s saying. There is definitely less communication between Gavin and me when he’s in a pram compared to when I’m carrying him. It is also a lot easier to teach a baby new things when you’re wearing him rather than pushing him around in a pram.

Baby Wearing: Recommended Slings and Carriers

The Baby Bjorn was the first ever baby carrier I bought. Thought I found it very easy to use, my biggest gripe was the weight limitations. Gavin put on weight very quickly in his first year and outgrew the Baby Bjorn by the time he was about 9 months. I was still wearing Gavin until he was 18 months so we needed to get another sling to replace the Bjorn carrier.

In retrospect, armed with the experience and knowledge that I have now, these are the slings and carriers I would have considered getting instead:

Wrap baby carrier – there are lots of makes for this type of carrier: Hug-a-bub, Baby K Tan, Sleepy Wrap and Moby Wrap are just a few.
Ergo baby carrier – I have not used the Ergo carrier but I have friends who have and they have nothing but good feedback on this. Based on the basic requirements I have for a carrier – minimal strain to the back, even weight distribution and the ability to carry baby through to toddlerhood – I find the Ergo meets them very well. In retrospect, I think I would have bought an Ergo instead of the Bjorn.
Ring sling carrier – I don’t recommend this carrier for long-term use because it relies heavily on one shoulder and can get uncomfortable after a while. However, it is handy when you get to the toddler stage where your child often switches between wanting to run around and be carried. It stows away nicely into a bag when not required (Ergo carriers are large and bulky) and can be easily put on again when required (Wrap carriers can be messy to put on and take off).

Bonding with Baby – How Co-Sleeping Helps

by Shen-Li Lee 4 Comments

I had a lot of issues with this idea at the start mainly because hubby and I are rather violent sleepers. We swing wildly in our sleep and have been known to punch, slap and kick each other on occasion. I feared that if our son slept in the same bed, he might end up the victim of such nocturnal flailing of limbs.

What changed my mind?

In the first month, Gavin would be up all hours of the night. He would only fall asleep in arms or on the breast. Sometimes when we tried to put him down in his cot after he had fallen asleep, he would instantly wake up almost as if the touch of the mattress against his back was like lying on needles. Even if we did manage to get him into the cot, he would be awake again shortly after.

Despite my violent protests against having one, I did eventually agree to having a confinement lady. She slept in the same room as baby and me, while hubby got relegated to the spare bedroom. Whenever Gavin woke up, she would either bring him to me to nurse or carry him to soothe him while I rested.

I guess she must have gotten tired of having to constantly wake up to pick him up from the cot because I woke up one night to find that she had tucked him in beside her and the two of them were sleeping happily side by side on the floor. There was no denying the fact that Gavin slept better with company than alone by himself in a cot even if we were also in the same room.

It was then that I figured if Gavin was going to sleep beside someone, that someone might as well be me. After all, I was sleeping alone on a king size bed pushed against the wall while the confinement lady slept on a mattress on the floor. Surely with all the space that I had on that bed, there would be room for Mummy and a little baby who hardly even moved in his sleep?

The other thing that I noticed which bothered me a lot was that the more the confinement lady handled Gavin, the more he seemed to prefer her company to mine – even though I was Mum and I had the milk! So rather than let him build a bond with a woman would be gone after a month, I figured I had better handle him whenever possible.

How Does Co-Sleeping Build a Bond?

After all, if you’re asleep, you’re asleep, right? Well, not if you’re a baby. Being close to someone obviously seems to make a difference to Gavin because he did sleep longer by my side than he did when he was relegated to the cot. In fact, one night he slept all the way through the night (this was in his first month, by the way) and I woke up in the morning with rocks in my breasts because they were so full of milk.

This is my own interpretation of it, but it stands to reason that if Gavin was able to sleep longer, it meant he felt more secure, and if he felt more secure with my presence, we were clearing building a bond.

As for my concerns about accidentally hurting him while I was asleep, they seemed to have been unfounded because I was intensely aware of Gavin’s presence even while I was asleep. When he twitched, I would wake up.

After I started co-sleeping with Gavin, I also noticed that he was more appreciative of my company even though my confinement lady was still handling him constantly during the waking hours. I also noticed that when I fell asleep, Gavin did, too. How do I know if I was asleep? Because he would have woken me up by fussing or crying for my attention. And also because I would open my eyes shortly after nodding off to find him asleep.

What About the Risk of SIDS?

This was one of the concerns I had read about while I was pregnant. There was a lot of advice against co-sleeping because it was believed to increase the risk of SIDS. However, it is interesting to note this graph from the International Child Care Practices Study: infant sleeping environment that showed a negative correlation between SIDS and co-sleeping. Countries with the highest practice of co-sleeping had the lowest incidence of SIDS.

There was also a whole assortment of studies conducted during 2005 on co-sleeping and SIDS which you may be interested to review to gain a better understanding of the relationship between SIDS and co-sleeping. Alternatively, you might prefer to take a look at the SIDS fact sheet for an easier read.

If you do decide to co-sleep, here are some tips on safe sleeping with your baby from Dr Sears:

take precautions to avoid baby rolling out of bed
sleep on a queen or king size bed; or use a co-sleeper attachment to the bed
place baby to sleep on his/her back
place baby next to mother rather than between mother and father because mothers are usually more aware of baby than father

Do not co-sleep if:

you are taking drugs that impair your sensitivity to baby’s presence, e.g. alcohol, sedating medications
you are extremely obsese
you are exhausted from sleep deprivation
you are on a soft/fluffy surface like a waterbed or couch
you are the child’s baby-sitter

Other things to avoid when co-sleeping:

don’t allow older siblings to sleep with a baby under nine months
don’t fall asleep with baby on a couch
do not sleep with baby on a free-floating, wavy waterbed or similar “sinky” surface in which baby could suffocate
don’t overheat or overbundle baby
don’t wear night clothes with string ties longer than eight inches, dangling jewelry
avoid pungent hair sprays, deodorants, and perfumes