Nurture for the Future

5 More Ways for Encouraging Positive Behaviour

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I am a parent, but there are days when I feel like a scientist studying child behaviour. I confess I don’t always know what I’m doing but I hope that if I do enough of the right things, everything will turn out okay.

In an earlier post, I wrote about some practices we were trying to implement to encourage more positive behaviour. While it is still early days and difficult to know if I’m having any impact with the previous practices we have implemented, my radar is constantly on the lookout for anything – everything – that we can add to it that might make things a little better. After talking to a few people, I’ve realised that we’ve missed a few things…

1. Let’s Play

A talk at school on Neuro-Dramatic Play reminded me that we’ve been neglecting something very important at home – good old-fashioned imaginative play. We used to have a healthy dose of it but somewhere along the way, we let that slide. Looks like our Forge of Honor toys have arrived just in time to help us revive our imaginations!

Forge of Honor - guardians of the night realm!

If you want to take this to the next level to help explore difficult emotions and behaviours, you can also try Neuro-Dramatic Play and Embodiment Techniques.

2. Positive Attention

A long, long time ago, I wrote a post about why toddlers act out and one of the reasons was to get their parents’ attention. Although the post was written about toddlers, I think the examples apply to children in general. What children want most is positive attention from their parents, but if they can’t get that, then negative attention is better than no attention.

As our children grow older, I think it is easy to make the mistake of thinking they don’t need us any more. We step back before they’re ready and we think that we’re helping them learn to be “independent”. It isn’t only toddlers who need lots of positive reinforcement in the form of “time in” and “recognition of good behaviour” – older children need it, too.

Just a couple of ways we’re trying to create “Time In”:

  • reading a bedtime story
  • having a snuggle in bed just before lights out
  • leaving notes in lunch boxes (or writing emails!)
  • doing activities together on the weekends (we’re trying hiking)
  • playing games like “hide and seek”, “musical statues”, “Simon says”…

Anything that provides positive attention so your child doesn’t feel the need to behave negatively in order to force a reaction from you.

3. MindUP

Mindfulness Meditation is a part of the MindUP program which gives some helpful directions on how to implement it with children, in addition to teaching children about the way their brains work. By helping children to understand how their brains work, they can learn to manage their emotions.

4. Guided Meditation

I’ve also noticed with G1 that it can be helpful to have a guided meditation to help him stay on track. Mindfulness meditation only works if we stay present in the moment and it’s easy to drift off with our thoughts without a guide. I used ShambalaKids – which are meditation scripts – but I have also found guided mindfulness meditation for children on iTunes:

5. Big Brother / Big Sister

Big Brothers Big Sisters is a non-profit organization with a goal to help all children reach their potential through professionally supported, one-to-one relationships with volunteer mentors. In a study following the program, they found that, compared to children not in the program, the children with Big Brothers and Big Sisters were:

  • 46% less likely to begin using illegal drugs
  • 27% less likely to begin using alcohol
  • 52% less likely to skip school
  • 37% less likely to skip a class
  • 33% less likely to hit someone

They were also more confident of their performance in schoolwork and they got along better with their families. In short, the program had a long-lasting, positive effect on children’s confidence, grades, and social skills.

When G1 did the BrainRx program with myBrainLab, I also noticed an improvement in his behaviour after working one-on-one with his trainer. It was then that I started thinking about this “Big Brother” mentoring program. Unfortunately, I don’t know of any local programs like this here so we’re still working on this one…

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Good Practices for Encouraging Positive Behaviour

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As G1 grows up, we have observed cyclical patterns of difficult behaviours. Although he is generally my “good” kid, it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge these very trying periods that often make me question the kind of parent I have been. Perhaps that’s what makes it even harder for me to accept – the fact that he is my “good” kid. Because I know what he’s capable of, I have a tendency to over-react when he misbehaves.

During these periods, it is difficult not to feel the deep-seated fear that I have messed up – I didn’t do things right, I didn’t do enough, or I just wasn’t enough. And then I remind myself that he is still a child and still a “work in progress” – as Makoto Shichida likes to remind us parents – and as a parent, it is my job to continually redirect him when he goes off tangent – preferably in a calm and rational manner (as difficult as that may be at times).

I don’t always know the right things to say or the best way to motivate him. As he grows older, I am beginning to feel like I say the wrong things more often than the right. The perfect visions I used to have that my son would always come running to me when he needed help and advice are withering away with the stark reality that he keeps more and more from me with age. I am left with the sickening realisation that though he loves me, I may still be the last person in the know when trouble arises.

What is a mother to do?

If my words no longer hold the magic they once did, then perhaps there are other ways to build positive character. Based on everything that I have read, the following activities are good places to start:

1. Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness Meditation improves self-regulation and encourages positive emotional outlook.

2. Gratitude Diary

Being grateful increases joy, optimism, happiness, compassion and generosity.

Image Source: The Primal Yogi

3. Achievements Diary

Thinking or writing about your family, your strengths or something that is important to you boosts confidence and performance.

4. Music Lessons

Playing a musical instrument develops emotional regulation and empathy which is good for making friends, and children with friends are happier.

Learning the piano

5. Sports and Physical Activity

Sports and Physical Activity improves emotional wellbeing, develops social skills, encourages positive school environment, and reduces anti-social behaviour.

EnerZ Extreme Park in Subang

6. The Great Outdoors

Being immersed in nature on a regular basis improves self-esteem, and increases resistance to stress and depression.

Bukit Nanas... City boys in an urban jungle trek...

So that is my homework for the boys…

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It’s Time to Start Taking Responsibility and Be Accountable

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The Missing Bags

G1 lost his swimming bag at school last week. He had an after-school activity and he said he must have left it at the playground. All it had in it were his wet swim clothes, googles, swim cap, towel, comb, sunscreen, and flip flops. I couldn’t imagine that anyone would want a soiled swimming bag so I figured it would either turn up at the “lost and found” or still be where it was that he left it the next day. So I instructed G1 to look for it. When he came home, he reported that he couldn’t find it. Unperturbed, I told him to try again the next day. Perhaps whoever found it hadn’t had a chance to drop it off at the “lost and found” yet. Nearly a week went by and still no luck. By this stage, I was getting a little concerned because swimming was coming around again and I would need to get him a new set of stuff if we didn’t locate his bag so I asked G1 to check with his teachers if there were other places that the bag might have been handed in to. They checked and they came up with nothing.

As annoyed as I was that I had to replace his stuff, I had to be reasonable. After all, didn’t I lose an iPad some months back? Mistakes happen. We just have to learn from them and figure out ways to make sure they don’t happen again. So I told G1 that he needed to be more responsible for looking after his belongings and talked to him about how he could minimise his chances of forgetting his stuff by packing his bag properly and making sure all his stuff was bundled together.

A few days later, he lost his PE bag…

What? Are you kidding me?!

*breathe* Zen…

I was really struggling to stay cool.

This time I was less hopeful. I didn’t expect his bag to turn up. And it didn’t. But I still told him to keep looking. We also revisited how he could pack his school bag to fit everything inside so he wouldn’t have to remember if he brought an extra bag to school that day. The problem with an extra bag has always been the fact that it isn’t usually part of the routine so the extra bag is more easily forgotten. Eliminate the second bag and the problem should be resolved. I think.

The Music Slip

Last week, G1 came home from school with a permission slip for his piano lessons at school. He needs approval to get two music books. The slip had to be signed by me and returned to the music office. Since G2 was sick and I couldn’t go in personally, I instructed G1 to take it back to the music office.

Surprise, surprise, he forgot. Not only that, he can’t remember where he put the slip.

Then I asked him why he didn’t give it to his piano teacher when he had music. He replied that he didn’t have piano lesson this week. When I asked why not, he said he didn’t know. Did he ask his teacher why not? No.

Taking Responsibility

I confess, I want to swoop in and take over. Ordinarily, that would be my instinct if I see a job being handled with incompetence. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself, right? But how would that help him learn to take responsibility? Nothing I have expected him to do is beyond his capability of handling. If I keep doing everything for him, when is he expected to take responsibility for himself? It has to start somewhere and these are tasks simple enough for him to manage on his own.

The excuse used to be – but he’s just a little boy. Well, he is not so little any more. He’s 7 years old. At that age, I was responsible for a lot more than I’ve made him responsible for.

We obsess over how our children are performing in school and giving them extra-curricular opportunities for development so that they can have every chance of being successful later in life. Well, teaching them to be responsible and accountable for their actions is also an important part of ensuring that success. If they don’t learn to take the initiative to do things for themselves, how will they ever become successful without us nudging them along from behind?

Image Source: notsalmon.com

Teaching Children Responsibility

Tips from James Lehman of Empowering Parents:

  1. Start as early as possible
  2. Identify responsibilities and use responsible language
  3. Be an example to your child
  4. Coach responsibility, don’t lecture (whoops)
  5. Teach accountability – rewards and consequences. Reward actions that demonstration taking responsibility and provide consequences for disregarding responsibilities
  6. Talk to you children about responsibility and what is going to be done differently – this is particularly helpful for children who are being introduced to new responsibilities

This is also a good article to read: Make Your Kids Responsible for Their Actions – Love and Logic.

A perfect image and perfect school transcript are poor substitutes for character and the attitude that achievement comes through struggle and perseverance.

I have worked with many parents who have fallen into this trap. They all love their children. They all want the best for them. They talk about how they don’t want their kids to struggle like they did. They are prone to rush to blame others for any lack of achievement on their children’s part. These parents are willing to hold others responsible for their children’s actions. However, they are often willing to change their parenting style once they see the crippling effects of this parenting style. Many of these parents have said to me, “I now realize that even if I succeed in creating a perfect life for my kid, there is little chance that he/she can maintain it without my help.”

One very astute father once said to me, “Jim, I’ve got it. There is a huge group of trophy kids growing up today who won’t have the character and resilience to compete in the labor market. If my kid grows up knowing how to get what he wants through struggle and character, he will be the one with the true advantage. He will stand head and shoulders above the others because he has the tools to create his own perfect life.

Image Source: Educational Technology and Mobile Learning

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6 Tips for Raising Moral Children

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There is a very interesting article published in the New York Times recently on “Raising a Moral Child” which I wanted to highlight because raising a moral child is the top priority for most parents – myself included. What I found to be most alarming is that many families are failing to raise children with the moral qualities that we believe to be so important. So in spite of the fact that we are focussed on raising moral children, we don’t seem to be achieving it very well.

ID-10090353
Image credit: Jomphong / freedigitalphotos.net

That’s pretty scary…

What are we doing wrong?

Here are the main take home points…

1. Praise is more important than rewards

Rewards potentially teach children to be kind only when a carrot is being offered. Praise teaches children that being kind is a worthy cause of its own.

2. Praise the child not the behaviour

This was really interesting since we’ve always been taught that the right way to discipline is to focus on the behaviour not the child, e.g. “What you did was not nice” as opposed to “You were not a nice boy”. Even when we offer praise on work that a child has done, we are told – praise the effort, not the child. For instance, “I can see you really worked hard on that” as opposed to “You are so good at that”.

After all that, it is stands to reason that when we want our children continue behaving in a manner that we like, we praise them for the behaviour that we want to see. Unfortunately, this is one of those exception rules – praise the effort/behaviour rather than the child EXCEPT when you’re trying to get your child to be a good person.

But wait! There’s more. In the experiment that they discovered this, it only applied to the children who were 8 years old. The 5 year olds were too young for any of it to have an effect. It didn’t matter which method you used for the 10 year olds. Yes, I know. It’s confusing.

7–10 yr olds were induced to donate some of their winnings from a game to poor children. They were then praised for their behavior (reinforcement), told they must have donated because they were helpful people (attribution), or told nothing (control). Subsequent donation, and behavior on a variety of tests of generalized altruism, was assessed. Neither reinforcement nor attribution affected the generalized altruism of 5-yr-olds, only attribution affected the generalized altruism of 8-yr-olds, and both reinforcement and attribution affected the generalized altruism of 10-yr-olds. Findings are discussed in terms of the effects of reinforcement and attribution on the child’s developing self-concept. – Developmental Psychology

3. Focus on character

If you want to correct behaviour, focus on character. For instance, rather than inviting them “to help”, encourage them to “be a helper”. Instead of telling them “not to cheat”, tell them “not to be a cheater”. This is because “when our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily towards the moral and generous choices”.

4. Focus on guilt, not shame

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably but whether you use one or the other, they have quite opposite effects on a child. Shame expresses a negative judgement on a child’s core self which does not give them an opportunity for correction. Guilt expresses a negative judgement of an action that can be corrected with good behaviour. Children who feel shamed tend to avoid the problem they have created, whereas children who feel guilt will try to make amends. If we want our children to be caring, it is important that they feel guilt rather than shame when they misbehave.

“shame is characterised by withdrawal and hiding from judgemental others, and guilt by making amends–repairing and confessing.” – Cognition and Emotion (2008)

Two-year-old children participated in a play session, during which a mishap occurred that the children appeared to have caused. The study found:

  • children who felt shamed avoided the experimenter after the mishap
  • children who felt guilt owned up to the experimenter after the mishap and tried to make amends

Children are more likely to feel shame when parents express anger, withdraw love, or try to assert power through threats of punishment. Oh dear… looks like I’ve been doing this all wrong…

5. Express disappointment

So if you can’t get mad or threaten punishment, what can you do to make your child feel guilt? Expressing disappointment is apparently a very effective method because it communicates disapproval of the behaviour coupled with high expectations and the potential for improvement – “you’re a good person, even if you did a bad thing; I know you can do better.”

6. Actions speak louder than words

We hear this one time and again but I don’t think it is ever adequately expressed just how effective it is…

Children watch what you do much, much more than they listen to what you say. In fact, it doesn’t matter what you say. It only matters what you do.

In an experiment by psychologist J Philippe Rushton, it was found that children behaved generously or selfishly based on whether the adult they observed behaved generously or selfishly. It didn’t matter whether the adult was an advocate for generosity or selfishness – the words spoken by the adult did not matter. What mattered was how the adult behaved. – Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1975)

The really interesting thing was that modelling behaviour while saying nothing about it was the most effective method of teaching good behaviours in the long run.

See the full article from the New York Times – Raising a Moral Child.

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Over-Parenting and Raising Self-Sufficient Children

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When I was working in Colgate, I used to be present at a number of the events and exhibitions that were held over the weekends. One of the popular activities that the marketing team liked to organise for the children is a colouring contest. We used to be amazed by how involved some parents would get in this competition. They would sit next to their child and peer over the child’s shoulder, pointing out areas that needed improvement and giving directions on the colouring in process. I remember thinking back then that I would not be like that.

It seems this phenomenon is not limited to colouring competitions. It goes on…

There is a term for this style of parenting. In case you haven’t heard of it, it’s called helicopter parenting (or overparenting ). By all definitions of  helicopter parent, it appears I have turned into the parent I said I would never be. Oh dear… How did that happen? Tim Elmore offers a terrific parenting analogy of teaching your child how to ride a bike. Just like being a parent to a new born baby, you begin by doing everything for your child. As your child grows older, you need to reduce that support and start letting go. The problem is, most of us forget to let go.

So when Aristotle received his first bit of homework from school a couple of months back, it was an opportunity for me to mend my excessive parenting ways. I took a big step back and tried to minimise my involvement in the project as much as possible. It was a tough balance trying to be accessible if he needed help without encroaching on his space. I wanted him to do the thinking and make all the decisions so, given my propensity for wanting to take over, I figured the less I saw, the less I would be tempted to butt in.

For the project, Aristotle was supposed choose an insect to present. The children were given an outline sheet to take home which helped them to break up the project into simple steps to complete on a weekly basis. For instance, pick an insect and decide how you will present it – e.g. poster, puppets, presentation, etc. research the insect and collect information that you want to share, create your presentation, etc. Aristotle decided he wanted to do his on the butterfly. Really? Of all the weird and wonderful creatures he could have chosen from the insect world he picked the uninspiring butterfly? I bit my lip and swallowed the words. This was Aristotle’s school project, not mine. Instead I asked him how he wanted to present it so that I could help him get the materials he needed to work on it.

One afternoon he told me he wanted to work on his butterfly so I took out my box of art stuff and left him to his own devices. He used a cereal box to create that rather weird-shaped butterfly you see in the picture below. I confess that I had to slap my hands several times to stop myself from trying to improve it.

When I asked him how he was going to present to the class information about the butterfly, he realised he needed something more and decided to throw in the poster. I asked him how he wanted to research the information – did he want to go to the library? No, he replied. He would just look it up on the computer. Heh… gone are the days when you go to the library to borrow books for information but I digress… While he was searching for information on the butterfly using Google, I peeked over his shoulder just to make sure that “butterfly” wasn’t some new funky term for questionable adult activities that little boys shouldn’t see. Once I was satisfied that all the sites were legit and no adult-only sites had escaped my parent control settings, I left him to jot down bits of information that he wanted to include on his poster.

In the end, the only areas I actually assisted with was the printing and the searching for butterfly photos. He told me what pictures he wanted and he made the selections himself. He cut them out and he stuck the bits of paper onto the poster by himself. This was the final result:

G1's insect project

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Education of the Heart – on Raising “Good” Kids

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“When educating the minds of our youth, we must not forget to educate their hearts.” – Dalai Lama

After devoting much time and attention to the growth and development of my boys, I confess that it still feels like a punch in the gut whenever I see them behaving poorly. Probably worst still is when I fail to live up to my expectations of myself as a parent. I start to wonder if I have failed my children somehow, until I remember that my eldest is 6 and my youngest is still only 3.

To paraphrase the wise Makoto Shichida – do not view your children as finished products; instead, see them as continuous works in progress. The real results of successful parenting will only reveal themselves when your children are grown and taking care of business on their own. How they live and behave then will the be the true testament of your parenting efforts. Until that time, we can only continue to redirect them by nudging them in the right direction whenever they begin to stray too far off course. It is probably best that we see all the ugly behaviours early so that we can set them straight before it reaches a time when such behaviours can have more severe repercussions.

The Trouble with Aristotle

After a nice holiday, jam packed with fun and too much of a good thing, I really oughtn’t be surprised to find that it has all gone to Aristotle’s head. Coming back to reality can be like the slump experienced by an alcoholic in recovery. Let’s face it, even as adults we face post-holiday blues. When you’re young, inexperienced, and not quite the master of your emotions, as Aristotle is, the sharp change can be quite difficult to handle. A little understanding about how tough it can be certainly won’t go astray. That doesn’t mean we don’t expect him to fall back into the regular routine of life.

Of course there’s more to it than post-holiday blues. With Aristotle growing up and increasing his interactions with the world at large, he’s got to learn about the subtleties of social etiquette. For instance, when you are bored out of your brains visiting friends and relatives, you don’t voice your thought bubble out in front of the host. There are a lot of rules and expectations that our children need to learn about behaving in public that are considered rude. To a child, he’s just being honest. He says it like he feels it. What he has to learn now is when to keep quiet and how to phrase things politely. We are now moving beyond the simple rules of “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me” into the world of gray areas – “always tell the truth, but don’t tell Aunty Jane you hate her present”.

A really handy article I found was “Unspoiling Spoiled Kids” which captured the essence of some of the issues I have been facing with Aristotle.

…when parents decide to reverse the tide, they hyperfocus on “no,” and on punishment, says Alan Kazdin, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Yale University. But it’s not about cracking down. It’s about creating a value system that lets kids learn life skills.

“There’s so much research saying that the last thing you should do is punish,” Kazdin says. “Say you want your kid to help clean up. How do you get him to do it? You say ‘We need to get four things done. Which do you choose?’ Start by doing it together, gradually fade out of the picture, then praise the child as he does more.”

The reason this works, Kazdin says, is because you’re approaching it in terms of values—helping people you love, and pride in a job well done. You’re not iron-fisting it. Though it may seem that giving kids control over which chores they do would contribute to an entitled feeling, it’s the opposite. “Choice is important in guiding behavior,” Kazdin notes. “And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a real choice or a choice to give them the illusion of control.”

You may be surprised to hear that “play” has an important role in “unspoiling kids”. According to Peter Gray:

…play is exactly how we all learned life skills. “Little kids swing high to the point where they feel fear when parents aren’t looking, but they actually have a good assessment of reality. And if there’s a scuffle, they learn self-control—because their pals might leave if they lash out. Play, by its very nature, is an exercise in give and take.”

The take-home is that we have to throttle back and give our kids room to take risks, to play games without the pressure of us yelling…er, cheering…on the sidelines. Do that, and you’ve made your kid’s playmates your assistants in teaching self-discipline.

Most importantly:

“Belly-laugh and rough-and-tumble play with your children. This changes the function of the right brain, facilitating bonding,” says Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame. “All kids need help with self-discipline, and playing with other children—and you—is probably the best way to learn it.”

Some more tips:

  • take it slow – if you try to change everything overnight, you’ll end up changing nothing
  • focus on the specific changes you want to see – what exactly is it that you want your child to start doing?
  • remember his age – don’t expect your toddler to understand that what you’re trying to teach him is good for him
  • if you want you child to do it, you have to model it – remember, “do as I do” works a hell of a lot better than “do as I say”
  • read together books on character development that teach values, morals and social graces

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